"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
It's the age-old question. When I was four, I wanted to be a mermaid. When I was six, it had changed to a nurse (spelled, by me, N-R-S). A few years later I wanted to be an inventor, then a scientist so I could cure HIV. In middle school, I wanted to be an actress or a director. Then, I got to high school, and I was told that that was unrealistic, so I picked a "realistic" option, a teacher. Then I was told that that wasn't good enough either. So now, I'm off to college. I'm going to study to be an editor, and hopefully a writer. I want to be a writer because I believe that's my best bet to being what I really want to be: important. I want to be important. I want to be remembered and revered, or not revered. I want to be famous or infamous. I want to be the hero or the villain or the funny sidekick--I really don't care what I am as long as I'm important. I've spent so long feeling last. Not second-best, not average. Last. Feeling like I wasn't good enough for anything or anyone. I would try to talk to someone, and I would nearly throw up from nervousness. I bit my nails, I paced. I cried tears of sadness and frustration. Even talking to a friend made me feel two seconds away from being scorned and humiliated. Left friendless and unloved and unwanted. I'm terrified of being forgotten. By everyone--friends, family, my school. People who mean the world to me but can barely remember my name. I want to be someone that people are clamoring to get attention from. I want to be someone that couldn't possibly be forgotten because she's important. And I would love to do something incredible to be my reason for being important. Writing is my best option for that. I may not be smart enough to cure HIV or to invent flying cars, but I can write. I can write about important things, and try my best to make the world a better place that way. I would love to leave behind a legacy of kindness and love; I would love to have my books be studied in an English class. But I really want to be important. I don't know any other way to word it. |
BellaBSU student
Musical fanatic Lover of books and all things cake-related Archives
April 2018
|