So, I was sitting here in my living room, thinking about my day and trying not to cry. It wasn't even a particularly rough day. I just felt stretched so thin and super stressed out about the three tests I've had in two days, and my every day play practice, and the upcoming Solo and Ensemble performance for my clarinet. People have it worse. I know that for a fact. But then I thought about how much I love cake. And then I thought to myself, "You don't need cake. You've had a brownie and a doughnut and two pieces of chocolate toast." And then I got angry.
Angry at myself, for worrying about what I look like. I'm a healthy weight. I'm comfortable enough in my body. But I still feel guilty when I eat cake. There's still a part of me that wants to throw it up, no matter how bad that is. Angry at boys, who aren't judged nearly as much for their bodies. Believe me, I know that boys are judged and bullied and raped and have eating disorders. But they get away with it more than girls do. They can eat as much as they want without fear of being called a pig, or if they're called a pig, it's jokingly and shaken off. Angry at everything that is preventing me from having cake and allowing me to feel good about myself. When I eat too much, I'm judged, When I eat too little, I'm judged. Everything I do, I know that I'm being judged. (It's not just food, but I'll get to that in another blog post.) It just makes me so angry. I can't feel good about myself no matter how hard I try, so why should I care? I should do what I want, and I applaud the people who can. But I can't, and that makes me angry, too. Maybe one day, women of the world can have their cake and eat it too, but until then, I say let them eat cake. And screw anyone who says otherwise. Leave a Reply. |
BellaBSU student
Musical fanatic Lover of books and all things cake-related Archives
April 2018
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